#where are the feeels ack

[eificopper]

Would -be Title: Because I had wings Series/Timeline: Twinkle – 2010 Characters: Akihara Eifi Length: 640w

This is lame lame lame lame lame ahh just gonna let it go

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When I was nine I joined a dance school and it became my passion. Nothing else mattered in life while I was dancing, it was magical. I could be tense as a bow about to shoot and yet I flowed like crystalline water.

The grace, the strength, the attitude, for a moment I stopped being the photosensitive useless Eifie to become an elegant and marvelous ballerina.      

Yet not everything was rainbows and sunshine.

“Again, from the start” Called out the calm yet strict voice of my teacher. Tired and ready to collapse I walked up to the center of the studio, breathing heavily, all my extremities including my tail were sore and tired and my feet ached.

I took a deep breath to regulate my respiration and slipped into my role, I am a ballerina. I placed my feet on fourth and my arms on high fifth and waited for the music to begin. It didn’t take long, in 3 seconds the soft piano started, and so did my hell that I also liked to call my heaven.

Développé, leap, chassé, a quick sway with my arms, triple pirouette… and on and on…

“Eyes off the mirror, focus. Good that’s good”

I lost count of how many times I’ve practiced this choreography by now, I knew it by heart but it wasn’t enough it had to be impeccable, every finger, every step.

As dancers we learn to be in control of every millimeter of our body, because if even a finger is out of alignment it all falls apart, so you practice until your movements are perfect. You learn to control gravity, to control pain. But there's one thing that doesn't follow the rules, that you wish you could control but can't.

Your heart.

“Close the arabesque, hips Eifi, turn them out this is ballet not gymnastics”

When I was 11 I had my first Grand Festival in Minamo city. I got my first solo with exactly the part I wanted and I was as proud as I could be.

The next year my best friend left and I haven’t seen him again, in that moment I broke down. My escape was dancing, is the only time you feel completely detached, yet completely in control.

“Prepare the jeté… yes good, raise your leg more. Balance Eifi, balance”

My teacher once told me that ‘Ballerinas dance their whole lives seeking only one thing: perfection. Yet during all their long years they come to discover that they will never have it’ Hundreds start this career, slowly dropping because they can’t handle all the hard work or grow tired, for personal problems, due to injuries, or simply because they lost their love for the dance or simply didn’t have enough.

Out of a handful of dancers that make it to graduation only the best two or three would be selected by companies, and out of them only one girl of each generation becomes a prima ballerina. That is one of the first harsh truths we learn in this career.

The song finally came to an end as I closed with the final pose, right foot on front, leg flexed supporting my weight, left one extended on point behind, arms curved back and chest out with raised head.

“Thank you, that’s enough for today”

I almost dropped right there but did a small reverence first, right leg crossing behind the left, hands softly down. I picked my discarded coat and put it on to leave, sighing in relief and thinking how delicious a bath and sleep would be right now, it was almost 11pm.

I’m still not sure if I want to truly strive to be a prima ballerina, I don’t think I have enough drive for that and I have technical limitations, but…

I put my heart and soul in every dance step.